Musings

After my 30K 10 days back, I decided to reward myself with a couple of ales with a friend. As we waited for a table at the bar, the discussion inevitably circled back to why I run. And why I run so much. To be honest, sometimes I don't know. Other times, the goal helps me focus. I'm the sort of person who needs a goal to constantly work towards. So I told my friend that I had some goals to achieve, some dreams even. When prodded further, I was honest and said that my dream was to qualify for the Boston Marathon. Now, ask any runner worth his or her salt and they will most likely tell you a seemingly impossible, fantastic dream they wish to live. Upon hearing of just how difficult it is to qualify for Boston (someone my age must run a marathon in a time of 3:15 to enter the draw), my friend burst out laughing saying it would never happen. I sipped my ale and said you have to dream.

It is precisely at moments like these that I understand in a very simple way why I run. It opens up possibilities. It allows for dreams. It helps you see that your destiny is indeed truly in your own hands. It makes you realise the only barriers are those of your own creation. That there really are no limits. And any limits are in your mind.

If I had met myself in 2004 when I was a happy, obese, fun-loving 23 year old and someone pointed at me and said, "hey look..that kid, he's going to run a marathon some day" I would have burst out laughing. If that same someone had said I would run a 50K Ultra I would have probably just rolled my eyes and walked away. But it happened. It's real. It happened because I dreamt. It happened because I wanted to live that dream. And I made it happen. If you had met me 5 months ago and I had said to you, "hey you know I am going to try and run a full marathon in 5 months, then maybe an Ultra a month after that and then maybe another full marathon 2 months after that Ultra" you would be calling my wife telling her to check me into rehab. But again, it's real. And I'm living the dream. Sometimes they come true. Sometimes not. But the truth is that if you dream it, you probably can do it. I may never run Boston but I do know at some point in my life, I'm going to give it a damn good shot.

On another connected note, I had the good fortune once again of being in the same room as Geet Sethi. He spoke about many things...about the importance of being in the "now", in the moment. About the need to be truly obsessed with a goal. About the kind of dedication one needs to have to achieve those goals. About the frivolity of material attachments and their pursuit. But mostly about the importance of mental toughness and the unwavering focus on the dream. Whatever that dream may be. He stoked the embers yet again. I won't say I felt a kinship with his approach to his sport...that would be too much of a stretch. I am not a world beater in anything. But having played 1 sport for a major part of my life and now participating in another one for the better part of 6 years, I could connect with his musings on his playing days and his dedication and the stories he shared about the dedication of one of India's greatest sportsmen Prakash Padukone. These stories are the stuff of legend. But I need to remind myself that Prakash Padukone sweated and toiled not less than 500 metres from where I grew up.

I guess the point I'm trying to emphasise to myself is that no dream is too big. It only boils down to how badly you want it.

Long run 13

I had run a distance of 30K or more on my last 3 long runs. I wasn't sure if I should step back or push for more. I decided to take it as it comes and just run. I had some trouble losing myself and giving myself up completely to the moment. My mind kept straying and that further irritated me. Around 20K, I decided that I would push 35K but it wasn't to be. I was bonking pretty badly by the 28th km and willed myself to 30k in 4:10 before stopping. I felt a deep fatigue I hadn't experienced earlier. I think the miles are taking their toll and I need to eat better and eat more. I also need to now take a break for a week. This is anyway on the cards as I will be in Goa for our annual work planning meeting. This gives me the chance though to also run on the beach during the week. Weather permitting I will definitely do so and I've packed my Vibrams for the trip. 

I have one final weekend before I start to ease off for KTM on 20th September. It's almost here! I am already experiencing a maelstrom of emotions now that the big day is so close. I must temper those with the cold hard truth that at best I will finish and finish in around 6 hours+. It may sound like a wimpy goal, especially given my personal best many years ago was 4:48. But I must remind myself that this is the start of another journey. I am coming off a 4 year hiatus and this is but the first step in what I hope will be many more finishes and perhaps, more personal records too. 

Long Run 12

"Do you ****ing want to be somebody?" I asked myself as my watch beeped me into the 31st kilometre. I'm not sure if I found the answer to that question but I did complete my goal of a 20 miler this weekend.

I started off too fast. By the 10K mark, I wasn't feeling "it". "It" is something you can't really define. Sportspeople will understand. On some days, the ball just comes out of your hand beautifully. On some days the bat can't find anything other than the sweet spot. On some days every drive and chip seems to find the middle of the fairway or green and the ball lands exactly where you wanted it to. It's a magical feeling. And then there are days like yesterday. My right foot started to hurt. My stomach felt queasy. I suddenly found myself out of breath when I had no right to find myself out of breath. Maybe my body was rebelling. This was my 3rd consecutive 30K attempt in 3 Saturdays. Maybe I ate something I shouldn't have the previous day. Maybe I didn't sleep too well. Who knows.

By the 20K mark I was really struggling and that showed in my split times. At that point, my mind was flooded by thoughts of stopping and going home early for a warm bath, the newspaper and tea. No shame. I'd run an honest 20K. Fairly decent pace. Apprehensions about pushing myself too far too fast also hovered around. That's when I asked myself the question that Dusty Olson kept asking Scott Jurek, while pacing him on so many of his ultra wins, "Do you want to be somebody Jurker? Do you ****ing want to be somebody?" It's quite an innocuous question at one level, especially when your glycogen stores are depleted, your stomach feels like its churning, when all you want to do is sit down, breathe normally and take your shoes off. But it's also a question that for me elicits strong emotions. It's the reason I run. There's no reward at the end. No prize. No accolades. Maybe improved health but that's hardly a reason to keep running when salt is flaking off your arms, legs and face. When the salt is stinging your eyes. But I kept repeating that question.

20 miles is the longest recommended run in most marathon training plans. The recommended limit is one 20 miler about a month before race day. I'm going to aim for three and at least one where I hit 35K. The point is to become friends with all those physiological and psychological sensations that hit you beyond the 30K mark: the mental exhaustion, the physical distress, that churning sensation in your tummy, the sudden hunger, the thirst you can't explain despite chugging down water, being able to continue sipping water as you keep pulling your body along. And lots more. For me, the last 3 training runs have exposed that truth: the way to conquer a marathon or an ultra is to seek this zone often, to recognise when you have entered this distress zone and enjoy it, become comfortable in it, keep motivating yourself that you can push through it and keep asking yourself if you want to be the guy who stops or the guy who wants to be somebody. That's what "pushing through" the fatigue and exhaustion that all running lore speaks of is all about. I just may finish the KTM or may not. I'll only know on race day but for me, this is new found wisdom. Something I hope will help me push further in understanding if I want to be somebody. I'm always amazed by the similarities between running and life.